We were at a park, it seemed like a movie-at-the-park thing. There were so many people there. We found each other and you laid me down where we'd hide from her. We were just talking. I don't remember what about or what happened after.
Then last night. The setting wasn't significant enough to remember. You were saying something along the lines of "she's my life now."
Woke up bummed.
One person bringing everything up, one look at your profile, I'm falling apart. Horrible mood. I think I'm just going to wait for you to call. No more going to your work. I know your world just got bigger. It's no longer your life. I hope things work out for you, love. More than anything. I'm not going to interfere any longer. No drama. Just do the right thing. Get the test done. And know I love you more than anything. I'll be here. For you. For the rest of my days.
Besides this, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my love life. Breaking hearts, including my own. Living with one of my best friends and he's been distant and rude. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea.
And my ex...he's been good. Been nice. Worked on himself more than his habits, but it has still helped us a lot. I love him too much to walk away completely. But I keep thinking I should. That it'd be best for us. And maybe it is. I feel like shit knowing my heart and mind is so back and forth with all of it. Makes things shitty for him and me.
I break down every time I try. And fall right back into his arms. I have plenty of people giving advice, but none of it helps me get anywhere. Leave or don't leave, either way you might be miserable. So then what? Take the gamble one way or another?
I'm dying for logic. For direction. I like being single. I like talking to guys, whoever, whenever I want. I like knowing I CAN do whatever I want, even though I never would still seeing my ex like this. But then it's what, freedom without freedom?
I'm trying to get MY life somewhere. On my way to having two jobs. Which is great. Hoping to get a car. Also great. Next step is school. Which I'm totally stoked for. Maybe things will fall into place. Just maybe.
All this was written a couple weeks ago.
I did start my second job, today actually. I do still dream of you. About once a week I think. I did attempt to end things with my ex, although that's failing miserably and it's irritating me.Irritated. I'm irritated. Have been for the passed few days, I think. But to try and stay positive, I'm thankful I've had a decent amount of family time this passed week. My mommy and my sisters. I miss my dad. I'll call him tomorrow.
It's weird with them, it's like we're all really great friends that don't see each other often, but when we do, we're perfect. We're fun, we joke, we all get it. It's like everything falls back into place. It seems more like an alternate reality to me now. The family that's been shaken, but we still try and keep our character. Our sarcasm, our bad jokes that I always seem to forget we all have in common. We put a smile on and humor mom for a day an go back to how we chose to live our lives. I think I'm more like my mom in the way that she's trying to keep a sense of family within all of us.
I miss my family. As never very whole as it's been since I can remember.
Keep and create traditions.
