for you.

I hate when you tell me not to worry. I hate when you won't let me see you, when I think there's no better time. but I understand why. I understand why you want us to be with other people when something happens.

but you need to understand that we haven't spent 'more than enough time with you.' if the worst were to happen, we'd be kicking ourselves day in and day out that we didn't spend enough time with you.

and I know I'm not the best at showing it sometimes, but you mean so much to me. you're my best friend. you're my person. I love you with all my heart and do everything within my power to keep you happy. and you've made me so much stronger. I'm not sure how you managed to, but you have. it's not because I love you, and I'm the kind of person to stick around through anything. through what's happening. it's so much more than that.

I want you to want me around when this shit happens. because even though you want me to be with other people, there's no where I would want to be more than by your bedside. even if I don't have to worry yet.
and you can't tell me not to worry. I worry everyday. about a number of things, it's just who I am.

I hate that I haven't cried. it's unbearable. I've gone to sleep every night when I was at home with a migrane. I think it's because I haven't. but it's not by choice. if I was holding it all in and getting migranes, I would understand so much more. but that's not the case. I don't want to cry last minute. I don't just want to cry when I tell my father.
I feel like when I tell him I'm giong to see the reality of it for that amount of time. and I feel like when I'm done I'm going to go back to how I am now. and he's going to comfort me the best he knows how as if I'm broken. I'm afraid to be okay.
but the thing is, is if you don't make it back to me...I won't be okay. I won't be near okay. because you're not just another person I know. you're not just another friend. we've been through hell and back. more than once. you were there for me when we didn't know anything about each other. we've put up with each other's bullshit. we know each other like the back of our hands. I've been there for you through anything. unless of course I was being a fucking idiot and not answering my phone. but I've done everything I could. everything I know how to do. and I will be here as long as you want me here. because I can't imagine loosing what we have.
if you come back without a clue about who I am. I have no problem filling you in. I'll have no problem telling you who you were. and from that point, if you still find a reason to want me around, I'll be there for you.

it's just not real to me. like it hasn't hit me yet. I know what's going to happen. I know what the doctors are going to do. I know the effects and risks of it all. but you're my best friend. and I can't seem to imagine us being anything but what we've built for the past two years. I can't imagine you looking at me like you don't know me. talking to me like I'm a stranger, but with the knowledge that we were best friends.
I hate talking about it as if it's a past. but that's all it will be to you..a past life you know nothing about but what we've written down on a flimsy piece of paper. pictures from my memories that you can't recall. stories I'm telling you that you don't know happened. conversation upon conversation that you've never heard.
I don't know how to do this. but I will. because I love you. I'll find a way, because I have to. because I don't remember how to live without you being a part of my life.

and, god, if you didn't come back. I know I'm going to wish that every person had met you. every person that makes their way into my life.

jesus this is depressing. I'll stop and enjoy the rest of the weekend. with you. and as much time I can give you before you leave.
I love you.

'cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down

I'm going to start your letter.

death and religion

death. I'm scared as hell of it, personally.  I don't know what happens when a person dies, but honestly, I'm convinced nothing happens. and don't take that the wrong way, I believe life has meaning. I'm not that bitter atheist that thinks we're all just here aimlessly walking this cruel world. not at all.

what bothers me is that I literally feel bad for sharing my thoughts on this. I try not to cross the subject because I unfortunately have no faith in the human race to be understanding. in fear of that ninety percent of the population will look down on me, simply because I don't follow their religion.
I was raised christian. and once my mother had stopped attending church, I had plenty of time to develop my own ideas. in school, I found a love for science. I became completely infatuated with it-- the atoms, cells, molecules.. the assurance that scientists had facts and reasons behind everything. that everything made sense.
I believe in coincidence, although I often wish I had the strength to believe in a higher power of any sort. I think I would be a happier person, really.
I know that there is good, bad, suffering and utter happiness. I believe in good inside of people, but I also believe that everything is made up of choices.

but death is something I don't understand.
and as many people do, I long to know what happens. I don't want to be proven wrong or right, I just don't enjoy something so serious being a mystery. I think people should be prepared for that kind of thing.

and if there were to be a heaven and hell.. I honestly think despite my ignorance towards god's "rules," he would want me in heaven. I don't believe that I could ever be such a terrible person, or make such bad decisions that he wouldn't want me there.. if anything, I think god and all of his seemingly mystical threats are only ones hyped up by the people over time. if a man had created all of this for us, he has to be a good guy, right? I don't believe such a man would shun you for giving into temptation. a god I would want to believe in has the utmost understanding, as he should. he created this glorious world. he created us individually for a reason, knowing what each of us is like. why wouldn't he be understanding?

really should write things down...

the passed few days seemed like I had a lot to talk about. topics from bad parenting to broken hearts.
and now that I'm here, staring at the screen..I'm clueless on what to write about. I decided I had officially lost my mind last week. that was interesting.

and now I'm talking to him more. and I'm not sure if I'm feeling better or worse.
topic found.

I miss him. I miss everything about him.
honestly, I could go on and on. a list of specific things about him that I miss. eventually just shortening out to be able to say everything.
and I don't know what to do. there's nothing I can do. but sit around and talk to him. whether it's going well or not, I can't help it. I love him. more than I ever really thought I could love a man.
because I'm broken. even now, and especially then.

but of course, I did this. my misery is the direct result from my decision.

enough for now, this took way too long as it is due to distractions such as dinner.

Morning one.

Something hit me that I wasn't expecting to come. although, I should have known.
the entire time I was living here, I was with him. when I wasn't with him, my heart was still his.
it may have been last night..falling upon things--reminders, that we're no longer together.

I haven't been on this computer in a year. his computer.
I looked through old pictures, read old blogs, and managed to avoid the aim logs.
I just don't feel right. and it's unsettling. makes me want to cry, makes me sick.
but I just have to stick it out, yeah?

I'm tired.

sup, 12:40 am.

I haven't done this in..over a year. and it's probably not a good time to just post something. being that I'm tired as all hell, and I don't really know what to talk about.
but here goess.

it's Sunday July 11, 2010, but my brain still thinks it's Saturday. Happy birthday, Kalie! :p
let's see..me and boy have broken up twice now. and this second time is different. it's been seven and a half weeks. and that's pretty much the biggest change since my last update.

after graduation, I lived in Simi Valley until this past Wednesday. I finally got a job after like, eight months of searching. I've reinstated a few friendships almost lost in the past year. I'm taking a dance class again, but all of these things that have happened really don't matter.

I'm going to have too much time to think. too much time to sleep. and I just hope I can find the motivation to really do something with myself this year. this year is more than half way over.

I'm not sure if I can really say I'm okay. I get by. sometimes pretty well, other times not so much. but I guess that's only when I'm alone. I feel bipolar most of the time. I can be all kinds of happy, and the next moment I could want to cry over something going on around me. something I can't control. even something I can.

Maybe I'll just start venting here more. that might help. getting my ridiculous thoughts out there. writing helps too, but this seems better for some reason. maybe it's just the thought of someone else being able to read through it. someone else just knowing, not even having to understand it. Hell, I don't even understand it.

this should probably be good night, though. I should probably save some subjects for later use, haha.

later, haters.