Bad sign number one

I had a slight epiphany yesterday. Or at least I hope it was an epiphany. Because yesterday I was okay with everything. Yesterday I thought of you without my heart breaking. Yesterday, I felt like I was moving forward regardless of how much my heart has been in the past.

I'll never forget the night we met. It was your sister's birthday and we had spoken once before via facebook :p
You sat at the table and the three of you were catching up. Even before the food had arrived, I had noticed you seemed...distracted.  I started to regret having my hair up and my decision to be comfortable that day. After dinner, we danced in the parking lot. Not you so much...But Alexa and I were having fun. It got late, the restaurant had closed and we had to use the restroom. After pulling into a gas station and trying to figure out what we were doing for the night, you and I were going over my "silly-bands." Although my collection has grown, I believe I had a star, heart, seahorse and hippo then. You took my heart, looked at it and said you were going to break it.  "You're going to break my heart? ...bad sign number one."

This morning's thoughts were about this epiphany. Yesterday, I feel like it had finally hit me that you left. You dropped me so quickly. Although it still doesn't make sense to me (I'm not sure it ever will), the idea of you just...leaving finally sunk in. Something you fought so hard for, the thought of you and I that you had that first night, just gone. And it was brought up by nothing other than you lying to me, something so easy to move on from. (And readers, I know that lying is not a small problem. But James and I had never needed to talk about anything twice.) But frankly, I realized something I should have known from the start. The simple fact that there is nothing I can do. There's nothing I can change at this point, as much as I had tried the last time I saw him--which worked.
Knowing there's nothing I can do, I also realized that there is still someone that loves me without question. Someone that wants me to be around for the simple pleasure of having my company. And so I tell my friend Crystalyn, "I was hopeful with James that maybe he could love me like Bret did/does. But I can't say I was kidding myself, because he could have. Something James wanted just came along too early."
"I still don't get how you cold leave something like us. But I feel like I'm close to getting passed it. Because there is nothing I can do about it at this point but accept that he's going to do what he wants. And it's not me. But it's his loss, yeah?"
(Apologies for the repetitiveness between my conversation with her and what I said here.)
And I'm sorry for being confident enough to know that it is his loss, despite it sounding like I'm trying to convincing myself. But I am confident to say such things. I sang, " If you leave, I can guarantee you won't find no body else like me." Followed by explaining to him that I treated him like my world, simply because he was.

And I honestly want nothing but his happiness. I want him to be taken care of. I told him that I would fight him if he settled for anything less than he deserved. I told him that if they argue, or he's unhappy for any amount of time, not to be afraid to leave. "Don't deal with any bullshit, because you just don't need to put up with anything. That's why I never gave you any." If anything, I hope that he will find more happiness than what we had, otherwise I see this as all a waste. I hope that she is spontaneous, funny, loving and considerate.
I suppose it's time to personally apologize to her, as well.
I am so very sorry for what I have said. To him, or especially on here. I did not know the full story of it, and I don't blame you for a second for a bad thought against me. The things I have said on here have been rude, at the very least. I had only been assuming you were trying to take him from me.

Honestly, if someone had said the same things about me, I'd be border-line furious, haha. She gets all the kudos in the world for not confronting me about it.
So long, bloggers.

You're amazing, just the way you are...

I miss your smile. Your laugh. Mostly when you would laugh at me, and practically tackle me after I would say something silly. You're gorgeous. And I miss telling you every chance I got. I would inform you of what color your eyes were every day.
You talked to me yesterday, not for long, but it still put me in a better mood. You always made my day.
I made a silly deal with myself that I wouldn't text you first today... Because I would text you all day about random stuff without getting a response. And it made me feel relatively pathetic...
I kind of can't believe I've been throwing myself at you, regardless of Arie telling me you don't deserve it. And frankly, you don't...
But the way I see it, is if you do choose me... I'll let you back in whether you deserve it or not. Because we're happy.

You told me it scared you. How perfect and happy we are. You can see our future without a flaw, because we fit so well together. And you feel like if you're with me, everything's set.
"So... You got out while you could?" "You...want to be with someone you can't see yourself with forever?"
The answer you gave me was yes. And it doesn't make sense. I understand being afraid of how serious it could get. But I've told you there's no pressure whatsoever. I would never force you to stay with me. I would never force you to propose. We both know we're not ready for that, no matter how much my silly woman brain thinks about it :p

But you continue to toy with me, which I don't really appreciate...you know that. It's not fair to me, that you would be gone for a few days, see me the next and your mind seems to be made up. And it's me. I told you that if what you need is to see me, be with me, to make up your mind...why couldn't we be together?

Even with everything going on, we still make each other smile. It doesn't matter how long I've spent in tears when you've been away, or even when we're together. No one I know is like this.


Arie: "He wants his cake...or pie. Whatever the expression is."
I laugh hysterically.
Arie: "That's not it? ...oh."

Bitterness is seeping out of me.

I know that I should not be doing this. That this will be the most immature and angry post I'd ever thought of doing. But I feel like if I can't really tell anyone and wouldn't tell anyone directly that need to hear it...I still need to get it out someplace. And where would I be able to find a better audience?

You people have the nerve to apologize? Does it make you feel better? Put your mind at ease so you can sleep at night?
When I get to sit here helpless of what may come, heart breaking, eyes burning...and you think "sorry" cuts it? Honestly, I think that if either of you are truly sorry, you'd change something. Like the thing you feel the need to be apologizing for. But I suppose that would make too much sense.

I love you more than anything. But I am so...angry with you. I'm so broken at this point, so confused. I don't know how I can look back at the moments we've had, the things you've said to me, and still believe the nonsense you let come out of your mouth. I don't know how you could have been in tears the night I told you we wanted different things and I didn't want to be with you. You were about to walk for hours, leaving your car with me at my friend's house. I don't know how you can ask me something to ensure I loved you...simply because you didn't want to loose me and you were falling more in love with me each day. And how can you do or say these things and throw us away.
I might even feel used, if I had reason to believe it so. You're being a damn fool. And you realize this, but what, you think you can convince yourself it's worth it? Don't make me laugh.
Giving your heart back to the woman that has had it for a year and a half and never thought anything of it? She kept you around because, yeah she cared about you and your happiness, you just weren't worth her heart at the time. And the second she feels like she can't handle the loneliness, she remembers that there has been this incredible man by her side the whole time. This incredible person that she knows would do anything she wished to make her smile. She realizes slowly that she took this person for granted, and now he's in a loving, happy relationship. One that he couldn't complain a day about.
And you seem to not understand...That she is selfish. She can talk to you, sure. But saying that she now wants to be with you? That maybe she was thinking about you and how happy you always made her... how maybe she messed up and should have taken you when she had the chance. And she knows that you would still give her the time of day. Because you're that nice of a guy. You want to be with someone that interferes with other's relationships. Someone that...almost thought twice about saying anything. But with the sadness/hopelessness coming over her, she didn't know what else to do. To make herself happy.
When you were perfectly content. Sure, missed her from time to time, but that's understandable. I could have gone on being happy knowing you missed her sometimes. As you could have accepted that I missed Bret. We could have been fine, as we were on our worst days.

And the funny thing is...I'm still in love with you. I had other options. Before and after you... but you made me want you. You made me love you. I still don't want to go to sleep in anyone else's arms. I don't want to look into someone else's eyes trying to achieve the same happiness--it'd be a lie. I don't believe I could have a relationship as ours was with another person. I can't imagine clicking so well with someone else...hah.
We were perfect, and there's no denying it. I'm not exaggerating or being ex-girlfriend-crazy... We were the happiest two people I knew of. We were that couple you saw that were wrapped within each other. Those people that looked into each other's eyes and got giddy...every time.

I will continue later, bloggers. I'm probably not even close to done.