Bad sign number one

I had a slight epiphany yesterday. Or at least I hope it was an epiphany. Because yesterday I was okay with everything. Yesterday I thought of you without my heart breaking. Yesterday, I felt like I was moving forward regardless of how much my heart has been in the past.

I'll never forget the night we met. It was your sister's birthday and we had spoken once before via facebook :p
You sat at the table and the three of you were catching up. Even before the food had arrived, I had noticed you seemed...distracted.  I started to regret having my hair up and my decision to be comfortable that day. After dinner, we danced in the parking lot. Not you so much...But Alexa and I were having fun. It got late, the restaurant had closed and we had to use the restroom. After pulling into a gas station and trying to figure out what we were doing for the night, you and I were going over my "silly-bands." Although my collection has grown, I believe I had a star, heart, seahorse and hippo then. You took my heart, looked at it and said you were going to break it.  "You're going to break my heart? ...bad sign number one."

This morning's thoughts were about this epiphany. Yesterday, I feel like it had finally hit me that you left. You dropped me so quickly. Although it still doesn't make sense to me (I'm not sure it ever will), the idea of you just...leaving finally sunk in. Something you fought so hard for, the thought of you and I that you had that first night, just gone. And it was brought up by nothing other than you lying to me, something so easy to move on from. (And readers, I know that lying is not a small problem. But James and I had never needed to talk about anything twice.) But frankly, I realized something I should have known from the start. The simple fact that there is nothing I can do. There's nothing I can change at this point, as much as I had tried the last time I saw him--which worked.
Knowing there's nothing I can do, I also realized that there is still someone that loves me without question. Someone that wants me to be around for the simple pleasure of having my company. And so I tell my friend Crystalyn, "I was hopeful with James that maybe he could love me like Bret did/does. But I can't say I was kidding myself, because he could have. Something James wanted just came along too early."
"I still don't get how you cold leave something like us. But I feel like I'm close to getting passed it. Because there is nothing I can do about it at this point but accept that he's going to do what he wants. And it's not me. But it's his loss, yeah?"
(Apologies for the repetitiveness between my conversation with her and what I said here.)
And I'm sorry for being confident enough to know that it is his loss, despite it sounding like I'm trying to convincing myself. But I am confident to say such things. I sang, " If you leave, I can guarantee you won't find no body else like me." Followed by explaining to him that I treated him like my world, simply because he was.

And I honestly want nothing but his happiness. I want him to be taken care of. I told him that I would fight him if he settled for anything less than he deserved. I told him that if they argue, or he's unhappy for any amount of time, not to be afraid to leave. "Don't deal with any bullshit, because you just don't need to put up with anything. That's why I never gave you any." If anything, I hope that he will find more happiness than what we had, otherwise I see this as all a waste. I hope that she is spontaneous, funny, loving and considerate.
I suppose it's time to personally apologize to her, as well.
I am so very sorry for what I have said. To him, or especially on here. I did not know the full story of it, and I don't blame you for a second for a bad thought against me. The things I have said on here have been rude, at the very least. I had only been assuming you were trying to take him from me.

Honestly, if someone had said the same things about me, I'd be border-line furious, haha. She gets all the kudos in the world for not confronting me about it.
So long, bloggers.